Tuesday, October 18, 2011 Alternative Control Archives - Pre-Coitus Cooking For Two

This article originally appeared in the February 2011 edition of Alternative Control.

Pre-Coitus Cooking For Two

When cooking a romantic dinner for two it is most important to find balance between the amount of tasty food you consume and your ability to move about the bedroom after consuming said food. Loaded baked potatoes are not likely to lead to the sex Olympics. And as half of a couple, we each have that duty in the spirit of St. Valentine to please our partner in the bedroom, in the kitchen and in the dining room. That’s a lot of pleasing. You’ll need a proper, well-balanced meal with all the tastiest aphrodisiac ingredients to fuel your evening, hopefully well into the next morning.

Start the meal off with some celery and peanut butter. Oh yes, you heard me. Celery has something in it that drives women wild when men secrete it, so munch up boys! And why not pair it with peanut butter? It’s got the vitamins and essential fatty acids that a woman’s body needs. And if some peanut butter happens to fall in her cleavage? Napkins need not apply.

For the main course I’d get some filet mignon and cover it in a mixture of spices. Salt and pepper the meat and then coat it in cocoa seasoned with paprika, cinnamon, chili, ginger, nutmeg, cardamom, cayenne and cloves. Get all them anti-oxidants in there doing their thing so you’ll be able to do your thing! Let it sit for a little while before you cook it, let those flavors settle in. While that’s going on whip up a bit of salsa - tomato, onion, garlic, cucumber, green pepper, cilantro. Heck, buy it if you want, but please buy fresh. Most supermarkets have fresh salsa in the produce section. If it’s not in your local market - move.

While you’re at the market pick up a testicle fruit, also known as avocado. You may need to do this a few days before to give it time to ripen (I won’t say soften.) With a sharp knife cut around the entire fruit stem to tip, vertically, top to bottom, you get the idea. Then, with one hand around each half, give it a good twist. One half will come off clean and one will still have the pit attached. Take the clean half, and with a sharp knife, make several lengthwise cuts, the more cuts you make the thinner the slices will be. Then use a spoon to scoop out the slices, scraping along the inside of the skin.

Getting back to your meat, take a non-stick pan and get it hot. If you don’t have a non-stick pan borrow one from your neighbor and don’t give it back like I did. Put a little oil in the pan and make sure it’s hot enough to sear the meat. “Tttttssssssss” is what you want to hear when the meat hits the pan. Don’t cook it too long, just a few minutes on each side – it depends on the size of the meat.

There. I said it.

If you should happen to buy super thick cuts like I did you may have to finish cooking them in the oven. Put them on a cookie sheet and bake at 375°. The internal temp of the cooked meat should be 125° for rare, 145° for medium and if you want it well done I insist you stop reading this article right now.

Plating is the fun part. Place two slices of avocado off to one side of the plate and use salsa to fill in the heart. Then place your perfectly cooked meat in the empty space. Serve with a wink and a smile.

As for dessert…you really don’t need me to tell you what to do. But please, for the love of St. Valentine, don’t use whipped cream from a can. Nor cool whip. Eww.


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