Sunday, November 14, 2010 Why Does Whole Foods Suck?

*Disclaimer - I applied for a job at Whole Foods in Darien and was not hired. I made it to the interview but then was cut for admitting I couldn't lift 50 pounds. Mind you I was applying for a cake decorating job. I've worked in a bakery. I've lifted countless full sheet cakes without incident. Never ever dropped one. So fuck them.


Yesterday, in between our marathon performances of Richard III, I ran down to Whole Foods for something from the hot bar. They have a hot station, a soup station, two salad bars and a dessert bar. I've gotta be able to find something to eat, right?


The choices are almost all Indian inspired vegan dishes. Vegan Chicken Salad? What the fuck is that? If you're gonna have the balls to give up eating animals you're gonna have to forfeit the right to call a processed piece of soy chicken. 'Cause it ain't! What if I gave them a chicken sandwich and called it a soy patty? They'd be a little pissed. What's good for the soy is good for the gander. (What does that mean? I don't know. But I find it amusing at the moment)

After trolling around for a bit I settled on some Caribbean Sweet Potatoes, Yucca Fries (Yuck-a) and Rice and Beans. They weren't that appealing, but something smelled good and I guessed it was the potatoes. I put them in my container, paid and left.

By the time I walked one block back to the theatre it was cold. I'm guessing food needs animal fat not only to taste good but to retain some heat. The sauce I made for my Autumnal Chicken and Rice had the same issues. But I ate what I could, which wasn't much. The rice was crunchy, I suppose it dried out being exposed to the air, but it had no flavor anyway. The first Yucca fry was good but the rest fell like rocks into my tummy. The potatoes might have been better if they stayed hot. I know they would have been better with bacon. Everything's better with bacon.

Clearly the folks at Whole Foods are pinching pennies by not offering any real meat in their dishes. Some real chicken was available (not organic, isn't that what they're known for?) but zero red meat or pork, the other white meat. Really all they offer is a bunch of inedible side dishes. And who wants to eat that?

How are they gonna lift 50 pounds with no protein?

Bang on, my peeps!



Anonymous said...

That, and they don't have anything so special in there that you can't get in a regular grocery store for less, and their produce is no more special than a place like Apple Farm or Greenwich Produce. I always heard how great they were, and was very disappointed the first time I went in there.

A lot of their pre-packaged "health" food is also very high in fat and calories for reasons I can't quite ascertain.


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